The apocalyptophiliac’s Black Friday guide

I sometimes think that if Black Friday isn’t an actual sign of impending apocalypse, it does at least give us the opportunity to catch a glimpse of what it could look like.  In other countries, they riot over government corruption and social injustice.  Here, we riot over cheap cell phones.  But don’t worry, even if you are like me, and have decided to avoid entering any retail establishment between now and Epiphany in order to preserve your health, safety and sanity, you can still get all your end of the world supplies delivered right to your door!

Amazon has got you covered if your apocalyptic fears center on the rise of the zombie hoards.  I appreciate that they begin by featuring protective headgear under the category of “brain protection,” but I would like to see them feature bite-resistant, as opposed to specifically fire resistant clothing.  Don’t get me wrong; I know you need to take care when burning the bodies to try to stem the spread of the pathogen/virus/alien ick causing the undead to run around with the munchies, but I’ve watched all the movies, and I know that the biggest danger the survivors face is not fire but instead that surprise nibble you get when you reach out to pull a door closed, or back up without looking behind you first.  You have to look a bit more, but they also have customer-generated Listmania posts featuring more general end of the world needs.

This is, of course, in addition to the simple 13-item guide produced by the helpful folks at REI.  There are lots of folks out there ready, willing and able to help you plan for the end of all things (for a fee, of course) and most of them will helpfully provide you links to the stuff you need.  Just make sure to get the expedited shipping; after all, we’ve got less than a month before M-Day.  Of course, the need to amass all of this gear can seem overwhelming, so start small.  A simple go bag and some helpful reference material will give you a good start.

Once you have all your stuff, you’ll need a way to lug it around with you.  Being on foot is no fun, especially with all that gear.  Of course, with all the mess on the roads (including random debris, the walking dead and other cars) you will want a truck, of course, and there’s no reason you shouldn’t travel about in style and comfort.  The amount of armor needed will, of course, depend on the precise nature of the end time scenario we face, though it might be best to just go all in and design the ultimate mobile bomb shelter on wheels.  Of course, if the end comes with a flood, those ultra-secure, heavily armored and fully stocked trucks will just sink.  Perhaps something like this would be more practical?

Finally, you will need the appropriate training and practice.  If you aren’t lucky enough to have training provided for you, the Center for Disease Control and FEMA have simple lists of supplies and suggestions, and there are lots of ways to meet others and practice survival skills.

But if you just need a last minute, all-purpose survival gift, suitable for stocking-stuffing, you can always go with this little kit, and have an all-purpose supernatural threat neutralizer.  Okay, the gun isn’t included, and you’ll need to get your own garlic necklace and bottle of holy water, but those are best when fresh anyway.

Happy shopping!

Only 28 days to go!

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